Loss POV: Raphael
by Kai's Dreams
Summary: After the invasion of New York City, the family is left broken in more ways than one. Raphael deals with his feelings of loss and comes to the realization that he is not the only one facing emotional toil.
Loss: POV Raphael

I felt myself slowly surfacing to consciousness from the world of dreamless sleep that I had been in, and I fought it. Right then, I would have given anything to not have to wake up and face the horrid reality of what had happened in the past 24 hours.

But I **lost**.

Just like I had **lost** everything in the invasion. My city, now most likely overrun with Kraang armies and mutant Kraang people. My home, now a smoldering ruin after the battle with Kraang Subprime. Master Splinter. We were forced to watch as Shredder threw our father down the storm drain. He could be dead for all we know. My sanity. After watching the Shredder off Master Splinter like that when I couldn't do anything to help, I went berserk. I had set in my mind that I was going to kill him and anything that tried to stop me. Unfortunately, after failing to kill the bars that prevented me from getting to the Shredder the first thing that stopped me was Mikey. In my blind rage, I was ready to hurt him. And I could have too. If he hadn't been able to calm me down, I would have seriously hurt him, and with everything that had happened, that was the last thing he needed. I was angry at myself for **losing** it. Mikey had really stepped up that day, and I was supposed to be the one to be there for my little bros. Because Leo…

 _Leo._

Most of all we **lost** Leonardo. What were we without our fearless leader? Not a very good team. I still vividly remember the time Leo walked out on us after we argued and I stepped up to the job. And I sucked at it. We couldn't win a simple fight and Mikey got seriously hurt all because I was incompetent. But this time, the situation won't be fixed by me apologizing and Leo's forgiveness.

Donnie and Mikey had filled me in on how Leo left to draw the Kraang away from them and April after he and Donnie had argued about what to do. I could tell that Donnie blamed himself for what happened to Leo, and to be honest a part of me blamed him too.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling of the "Party Van". It was still dark out with a smidge of light in the east. Must have been 5am, or maybe 6? I was never good at judging time like that, it was more Donnie's thing. I looked to my right and saw Mikey sleeping next to me, snoring softly. I need to think of an apology to tell him later. He really stepped up yesterday. It's been tough for him, but he'd never show it. I sat up, careful not to disturb Mikey, and looked out the back window. We had pulled over on the side of the highway once we **lost** the New York skyline, figuring we all needed sleep after the long battle. The horizon looked so empty without my home there. I could hear Casey snoring loudly from the front of the van, and I assumed that April was still sleeping too.

Finally, because I knew I'd have to look eventually, my eyes wandered to where Leo was laying. We had covered him with this old, musty blanket that we had found in the car, but I could still see his bruised face, still unconscious. It looked like he was barely breathing, just clinging to life. I felt rage and hurt and **loss** bubble up inside me. I gave him a lot of crap and disobeyed his orders sometimes, but in all honesty, I was closer to Leo that I ever was with Master Splinter. I always trusted him to get us through tough situations, and I was ready to kill whoever helped put him in this one.

Suddenly I realized that I wasn't the only one awake. Donnie was sitting cross-legged at Leo's side, watching him. He must have gotten up not long ago to check on Leo, I thought. But then I noticed that something looked a little off about Donnie. His eyes were bloodshot and weary, his body slumped forward and his head low. He looked like the embodiment of exhaustion, like he had been up all-

 _Damn._

He _had_ been up all night.

I remembered then how Donnie had told the rest of us to go to sleep the night before, and when Mikey asked if Donnie was going to bed too, he replied "In a minute, I want to look over Leo one more time." He must have never actually gone to sleep. Because he feels guilty that Leo's hurt, I reminded myself.

Seeing Donnie so guilt-ridden made me realize that I could never blame him for what happened. It was all Shredder's fault. Shredder was always behind everything bad that ever happened to my family and I was going to make him pay. If-no, _when_ we return to New York, I was going to make him pay ten times what he did to Leo and Master Splinter. I'd- well, I had all the time in the world to plan my revenge on the Shredder. Right then, Donnie needed some emotional support, and I knew it had to come from me. After all, I was pretty sure he knew that I had blamed him too.

I hesitated. I knew I had to go and do something, but I had no idea what to say. Whenever I thought of emotional support, I thought of Mikey. But he had already done his fair share of that for all of us. I couldn't place another burden on him like that. And I thought of Donnie. Donnie's constant optimism and determination was infectious. Whenever I was stressed or scared, Donnie's sarcasm, wit, and hope always brought me back, but now he'd **lost** all of that, and I needed to get it back.

I forced myself to scoot over and sit cross-legged next to him. He didn't make any sign of acknowledging my presence. "How is he?" I asked. Wow, that was a great start. Cut straight to the sensitive topic. I'm such an idiot.

"He hasn't changed," Donnie replied, his voice slightly hoarse. "He's shown no sign of waking up anytime soon. I've done everything I can for him now. I-" his voice broke. "I just don't know if he's going to make it this time. And I hate not knowing." Silent tears spilled out of his eyes as he stared at Leo. Some emotional support I was.

I reached out and put my arm around Donnie's shoulders and pulled him into this awkward sitting-down-side hug thin. Why was it so hard to be supportive? Mikey did it all the time. I sighed. "Look, Donnie. What happened to Leo wasn't your fault. Even if you hadn't argued about what to do, another situation probably would have come up where he would have led the enemy away from you guys. Shredder was planning that. He wanted to get one of us alone, and you know how Leo is. He would willingly give up his life to protect all of us. It was his choice to leave, and he probably didn't call us for backup because he didn't want us to get hurt too. He was an idiot for trying to go up against the Shredder on his own though." I released Donnie from my weird hug. He didn't look convinced. "Leo is a fighter. He's tough and brave and fearless. He's defied death before, and I know he can do it again. He'll make it through this. And I know for a fact that when he wakes up, he wouldn't even think about blaming you. Not ever. Okay, little brother?"

"Okay," was his quiet response. He had stopped crying. For a moment I didn't think that my consolation had gotten through to him, but then I saw something change in his eyes. The hopelessness and despair had left, and in their place I saw a fierce spark of determination. He looked more like himself. I smiled.

"You should get some sleep," I prodded. "After all, if you want to help Leo, you need to be at your best. It won't do any of us any good if you passed out from exhaustion."

"Yeah… you're right," he said. "And, um… thanks, Raph."

"No problem, little bro." I said as Donnie curled up and almost instantly fell asleep. Huh, maybe I wasn't as bad at that emotional support thing as I thought. I could see the spark of hope in Donnie's eyes. Hope was all we had to hold on to in the days, weeks, or months to come. We had a long road ahead of us, but it was nice to know that not all hope was **lost**.


End file.
